Wow. A week since my last post. Time really flies by when work took up a big part of my life, and my other distractions eat up my off days. In the end, I had to return to the office in the middle of the night to finish up my commitments. Bummer job, thankless sub-appointments.

Details in due time, but right now, just checking in to keep the little boats afloat!

It has been some time since my last entry. I realise now that there are some posts that are stuck as drafts. Bugger. Guess they are kinda stale to publish now, so I will leave them there as my personal points of reference.
---------------------------------

Received some really horrid news today, and it puts a whole new perspective on my view towards life and its goals. Reality hurts so bad, it makes happiness seem so falsified.

Happiness. That which we all pursue, can come crashing down into nothingness in an instant of truth and reality. Yet changing your state of mind to accept all that is real defeats what you want to believe in. In truth, we all seek to be happy; but how happy can one be when you realise your life as you know it was a lie? Is being alone and selfish really the better option in life? When trust is lost, how else can one believe?

I have felt the fulfillment and joy of companionship, and the potential for unconditional love, as Danny put it. Yet now I learn by opening your heart completely, the possibility of hurt really bad increases so exponentially that it really is just so scary.

Love - I know I seek it. But now, I am unsure and beginning to be afraid. So unsure that I start to doubt myself and my goals - are they really worth attaining, when in the end, true happiness may never be achieved?

Enjoy The Ride Alone versus The Search for Love.

I confess, I am lost, and I do not know where to begin. I lapse into this state every other day, but I cannot depend on others to help me all the time.

No choice but to bite the bullet and be a strong duck.

(^)<

Dear me, let us try sleeping more tonight, ok?

Dammit. Only 4 hours again. I left the laptop on whilst I slept, and forgot to submit. Still no improvement over these couple of days.

Why can't I just sleep?

I am rebuilding myself a block a day.

Setting myself goals every day, I will get by. I hope I can climb over the obstacles of my inertia soon, so that I can face the challenges I set out to do.

A checklist to remind me of all that I want to achieve now. This is who I am so far - lessons learnt from past experiences are slowly forgotten. Like I mentioned earlier on, my complacency and laziness are my largest demons of darkness; now, with sorrow and guilt, they form a formidable alliance.

Just that one little step. That was all I needed to take. The effort was, and still is, minimal; yet I was THAT lazy.

I need to do whatever I have to in order to get by. So now, I write again. I write to discover and understand myself. It has been my way all this while, but I contained it, ignored it, and lost myself. It is really no wonder that having me close to heart distresses people. I need to be earnest and open my heart to those who are willing and wanting in order to fulfill my life. I missed yours.

So now, I write. As much as I can. So that I do not forget my thoughts. My lessons. My desires.

All that being said, this is only part of what I literally write; what I publish online is for the few of you guys to read, to understand who I am, and to watch me grow up alongside with you. For he who helps me as I bleed shall be my comrade.

HLR.

Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared.
- Eddie Rickenbacker

Dammit. I should never blog with my eyes closed again.

The fight has begun. Negotiations within the various factions and aspects in my mind, in my life have ceased to come to a peaceful and calm solution. I fight the urge, and in truth, the need, to seek you out, my greatest solace. My new campaign against myself has to work. I do not want to subconciously use psychological warfare and emotions to win; in fact, my fight should not be to save our sinking ship that we both were on. You have already jumped off. I know I should not pull you back to try and save it, but to swim to shore and build a better ship. Maybe one day, when it is done...

I need to let go.

My failures thus far have all been swept under. Lessons learnt and forgotten. Complacency feeds the sloth in me.

My fear and weakness overshadow my inner strength. I am weak now, but I have to be strong. It is easy for me to say, even easier for others to say that to me. But I really need help. It is so hard on my own. It is not just a state of mind. Such a great loss is not a state of mind.

I need to beat my own demons, the darkness within me. The me I wanted to be - for myself, for love, for all that I set out to be - needs to come forth. I need to grow before anyone can grow along with me. Till now, all I have done is provide a superficial character to those I love and care about - you, my family, and close friends. Random glimpses into my inner self are all that I have let through. I have always thought a strong front would portray confidence; alas, misconstrued into devoid of emotion.

I just relived 3.5 years of my life in my mind whilst cleaning up. Sorting out my life has to start somewhere, and everywhere. Slowly but surely, I take a step in all directions.

Only then can I become better. For me, and for you. My mind is messed up. I cannot write properly. Till the next time.

HLR.

Labels: thoughts

The first phase of renovation is underway! I suppose as always it will get messy in the process, but hopefully, the result is satisfactory, or perhaps even beyond expectations.

The problem is getting through the inconvenience of finding a temporary haven, and going through the clutter and dust.

Gah.

The letter, written but never delivered, shall be reborn in time to come.

Dear Reader,

I had decided - my life as I had known it thus far would never be the same.

If only I had more courage and less pride, you would have known too.

This comes at a time of many changes for me.

I shall write my next chapter in my book of my life, and no longer allow situations to dictate its direction. A job for the need of it; a decision for the sake of it - the easy way out.

Too long have I allowed myself to slip into my comfort zone; too long have I allowed myself to take the easy way out. Complacency has led me thus far, and I have languished in this hollow enjoyment for too long. The luxury of comfort has turned against me into a sin:

My desires, not fulfilled;
My wants, nowhere near attained.

I have to make them happen myself. Without the gift of guile and aptitude, I owe it to myself to chisel my monument out with my own effort.

My ideals, neglected;
My motto was forgotten.

Honour Love and Respect. Only then can I be true to myself. I have been paid to listen to faceless voices, yet did no such thing to the dearest of faces.

What have I become? What drives me now?

Nothing.

Whoever loves me, knows me for who I am?

Alas. If only you had known, if only I had let you know, perhaps you could have been the one.

Forgive me, this is not a resurrection attempt; this is pen-to-paper of what should have been said and told from a long time ago.

I had learnt, and am still learning, from the mistakes of others, and the experiences of peers. Yet, nothing was done.

And now, I face the path before me. I take it with the pain, and look beyond it. I run with the agony and knowledge of likely damage, but I want to take it. I need to take it. To prove to no one but myself that I can.

I pray I keep the faith so that others may see me in the light, and not in the darkness of a dank, musky tunnel.

One day, I hope you will understand.

Labels: thoughts

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