My Inner War
The fight has begun. Negotiations within the various factions and aspects in my mind, in my life have ceased to come to a peaceful and calm solution. I fight the urge, and in truth, the need, to seek you out, my greatest solace. My new campaign against myself has to work. I do not want to subconciously use psychological warfare and emotions to win; in fact, my fight should not be to save our sinking ship that we both were on. You have already jumped off. I know I should not pull you back to try and save it, but to swim to shore and build a better ship. Maybe one day, when it is done...
I need to let go.
My failures thus far have all been swept under. Lessons learnt and forgotten. Complacency feeds the sloth in me.
My fear and weakness overshadow my inner strength. I
am weak now, but I have to be strong. It is easy for me to say, even easier for others to say that to me. But I really need help. It is so hard on my own. It is not just a state of mind. Such a great loss is not a state of mind.
I need to beat my own demons, the darkness within me. The me I wanted to be - for myself, for love, for all that I set out to be - needs to come forth. I need to grow before anyone can grow along with me. Till now, all I have done is provide a superficial character to those I love and care about - you, my family, and close friends. Random glimpses into my inner self are all that I have let through. I have always thought a strong front would portray confidence; alas, misconstrued into devoid of emotion.
I just relived 3.5 years of my life in my mind whilst cleaning up. Sorting out my life has to start somewhere, and everywhere. Slowly but surely, I take a step in all directions.
Only then can I become better. For me, and for you. My mind is messed up. I cannot write properly. Till the next time.
HLR.
Labels: thoughts
spoke at : 11:09 AM